People keep asking me questions that don’t concern them. They continue to give themselves the right to intrude on my private life and to ignore the discomfort I feel when they ask me why I am not yet married.
The biggest shot of all is their intro – how smart, beautiful and successful I am, and that this is the perfect time to get married.
Because of how I am, I find it hard to tell people to meddle in their own business.
I find it hard to explain why I am still single or why I have no interest in welcoming a man into my life.
Most of the time, I don’t even know what to say or how to answer, so I smile and shrug.
It doesn’t silence them, but by the time they ask another question, I’m already 7 feet deep in depression and anxiety.
I am not single because of the toxic men. I am single because of the toxic man I have had in my life.
I lied to myself so many times and so well, that I believed it myself.
I believed my own lies – that’s how good I am at running away from my problems.
I told myself that I was too busy to have someone in my life right now. I gave priority to my career rather than seeking love in life for a while.
I told myself that I was going to postpone any relationship because I now prefer to focus on my life.
That someone new would occupy my mind too much, and that I would be unable to realize my dreams.
I told the others that I was really looking and that I had a few men in mind, but that there was nothing serious at the moment and that if there was a change, I would tell them.
So there is no reason for them to ask me the same question every time they see me. As soon as I find a husband, they will be the first to know.
They were far from suspecting that the dates for me were a thing of the past.
Growing up, after a few relationships, I had to wonder what was wrong with me and why I couldn’t keep someone in my life.
I know that I work perfectly well on my own and that I am perfectly happy as well , so why can’t I be with someone else and share my happiness with another? It made me think…
I have always had more male friends than female, always. It was really like that – I never saw them as anything but friends and I was super comfortable having them around me.
If I saw one of them fall in love with me or send me signals, I acted as if I had not seen him. I closed my eyes and continued as if nothing had happened.
It’s not like I gave up on love right away. It’s not like I didn’t try to find my man, but something was wrong.
I didn’t immediately run away when I met someone new. It was not like that.
I am able to be attracted to men and I want one in my life. From time to time, there is someone who appears in my life, someone with whom I could imagine myself in the future.
And then I start dreaming and imagining what our life would be like, what kind of man he is and how he would treat me well, until I transform him into someone perfect in my head.
From a distance, everyone seems perfect. As soon as we try something, as soon as we get a little closer, I start to notice the slightest faults of this person and it is done instantly, which is good, to be honest, because it was much worse before.
I used to get involved in a relationship even though I knew it wouldn’t work. I signed up even though I knew it would end before I even started.
I was giving it a chance, it worked for a few months and I was just waiting for a bogus error or excuse to leave it.
I was one of those girls who regretted giving someone a chance the minute she did it.
But I was too stubborn to give up once I realized it. I was made believe that this time, things will be better.
Things were never going to get better because I’m broken. And I can’t dance the waltz with anyone else until I have repaired myself and learned to dance with someone.
The minute I gave someone a chance, I regretted it. Either I lost a friend or I became an idiot.
I climbed the walls around me and waited for a window to open to exit the relationship.
I only left behind broken people and it was killing me. I didn’t know why I was unable to have a working relationship or how I could be so emotionally damaged and unable to love people who love me in return.
One evening I sat down and admitted that I had a problem. I just knew that I could no longer continue to be oblivious to what I was doing to others and to myself.
I analyzed my life and it struck me: I was one of those girls whose relationship with her father had left her with a deep emotional scar.
I was one of those girls who had a toxic father. I was one of those girls who has been in the grip of a toxic man for far too long.
I left so many broken men behind me because the one who was supposed to love me didn’t do it.
I kept walking alone in life because the only man who was supposed to show me what love was, didn’t do it.
Her way of treating women in her life showed me how women should never be treated.
I realized that no man will ever be good enough for me. I realized – that because of the love he didn’t give me, the love I deserved but didn’t receive – I could never trust another man again.
I’ll always look for him inside other men just so I can run away from them as far as possible.
I didn’t have a toxic boyfriend because I had a toxic father and it was enough to never give another man a chance in life again.
Even if I find it hard to trust men, I believe in love. I just hope that someone will convince me that I was wrong to think that there is no one who is right for me. I believe he will understand what I went through and see the scars on my heart.
I’ll be patient enough and wait for someone special to make me vibrate and make me feel that I’m not guilty of all the shit that happened to me.
With him, I will really become myself again and find that peace in my heart that I have dreamed of for so long.
Even if my father didn’t show me what love is, there will be a man who will.