When I think about things after all this time that has passed, I see myself as a naive girl who just didn’t know what had fallen on her head.
I want to go back to that time and hug myself. I want to protect this girl from the pain that awaits her.
When I met you, I remember believing that you were the most perfect man I have ever met.
Your timing was perfect and I was impressed with everything you did.
My fantasy of meeting a man who will hold my hand and who will love me for a lifetime seemed to become a reality.
I couldn’t get tired of you – neither the way you spoke, the way you walk, nor the way you said I was yours … I was so in love with you.
I was so in love with you that I hadn’t even noticed that I started to make myself very small just to please you.
Things had started to deteriorate so slowly but surely that I hadn’t even noticed. Little by little you started to take my love for granted.
You used my love as an excuse to do whatever you wanted to do.
When I started to realize that you were using me, I was already neglecting myself and lacking self-esteem.
You made me think I was worse than you. You made me believe that without you, I was worthless.
I became trapped in my own love for you. At least what I thought was love.
Looking back now, I understand that it was only fear. The fear of not being able to defend myself.
The fear that nothing is ever good enough about me. The fear that I was going to get lost. I loved you so much that I invested everything that was worth in you.
I believed you when you told me all these things. I actually thought you know more about myself than I do.
I betrayed myself for the man I thought I knew, for the man I thought I needed.
I broke my heart myself by loving you, by trying to understand you and by giving you second chances time and time again.
My heart started to break from the moment I started to believe that you were more valuable than me. You made me think I could never do it alone.
You made me believe that I had to prove to you that I’m worthy of you. From a happy woman, I turned into a broken-hearted woman.
I became empty from the inside.
I felt so trapped by my own feelings and you always made it worse.
By your lack of attention, by minimizing my feelings and ignoring my needs, you only made my suffering worse.
You never really cared about me, you only cared about yourself. You only felt safe when you could control me.
When I realized that my misery was caused by your selfishness and not by my insufficiency, I finally had the strength to move forward.
It would have taken me a while, but I gained enough strength to leave you behind.
It was so hard for me to believe that you were the person who hurt me the most. My brain and my heart just refused to accept it.
Now, I want my heart to be like it was before. I want it to be whole and healthy.
I refuse to let my heart suffer for someone who never really loved me, for someone who never really cared.
I don’t care about your excuses and your feelings. It’s too late. You had your chance and you wasted it.
I start all over again. I take care of myself and my heart too.
I made a promise to myself that my heart was the most precious thing I have and that I would never give it again to someone who didn’t really deserve it.
I will never fall in love with someone who will not prove myself worthy of my love, someone who will treat me as if I had no mind.
I want someone who will fight for my love and take care of me as if i were the only girl on earth.
I want someone who will recognize and admit my feelings without pretending to be crazy.
Finally, I want someone who will make me feel safe loving her with all my heart without having to worry about whether my love will be returned or not.
Until then, I will love myself and heal myself, knowing that I deserve to be loved as I am and that I don’t need any man to prove it to me.
