At the beginning of your relationship, your guy had this something in addition to the others. That little touch that made all the difference.
You liked its mysterious side. Basically, you were convinced of one thing: joining a couple will make you happy for sure.
our current relationship tells a different story.
Now that the initial euphoria has subsided, you have the feeling that your partner is very little involved in the relationship .
Worse: you receive contradictory signals from him . He can convince you of his love, but can not help but run away as soon as the moment presents itself.
To justify his actions, his arguments sometimes evoke an immense need for freedom .
Her fear of feeling suffocated in the relationship takes over, so much so that your intimacy is a threat.
Your spouse is worried about having their wings clipped and missing their flight. To protect himself, he sets up a defense mechanism which consists in limiting his commitment to you.
Result of the races: you feel terribly alone in your own couple. The repercussions are ultimately colossal.
This fear of commitment underlies a problem of emotional openness. We generally speak of an emotionally unavailable partner.
Where does this emotional closure come from?
Doctor Véronique Baudoux mentions 7 wounds that can ruin a romantic relationship. These injuries come from childhood and the relationship with parents. The emotional unavailability of your partner would then come from a deep injury due to his past (abandonment, devaluation, etc.).
Why an article on this subject?
Because I myself was emotionally unavailable for many years. By burying my problems inside, I involuntarily caused myself a lot of suffering. It was one of the main reasons for the unhappiness of my romantic relationship.
So: the fear of commitment, I know. This dynamic was installed at the beginning of my relationship, without my realizing it. I quickly felt disarmed. Until the day I became aware of it.
You probably have the same experience as me? Or maybe you live with a partner with this kind of injury?
One thing is certain: this behavior weighs heavily in your relationship.
Generally, you end up alone and frustrated, in total confusion. With no mark around you, you are like trapped in front of a wall.
In this article, you will discover 7 habits that are found in people who are emotionally unavailable.
Sign 1: he is in denial without even realizing it
The emotionally unavailable partner constantly rejects his emotions.
For him: everything is fine.
His inability to observe the big picture makes you suspicious. You find it very difficult to trust him. According to you, there is something else, something that it does not tell you.
You just aim.
The problem: he can’t tell you something he doesn’t see himself.
The more you insist, the more it will close in on itself.
For him: no problem on the horizon. The relationship suits him perfectly like that. Over time, he will even accuse you of making it a mountain for nothing. As usual …
Personally, I kept telling my darling that I was fine. I was not listening to my internal weather. Never. For me: there was no problem in my relationship, so I had no problem settling.
My darling had a different version of our relationship. She tried her way to make me understand it. My reaction? I blamed her for the delicate moments that she made me live. In my opinion, I did not deserve the fate she had in store for me.
Needless to say, our conversations degenerated regularly.
Sign 2: he leads a difficult dance to follow
Your partner’s behavior is constantly changing.
A gap is created between what it promises you and what it offers you. At the start, he will probably have pulled out all the stops , but then gradually withdrew after a few months or years.
Your partner knows how to make himself available when he wishes. At times, he absolutely wants to see you. He will even try to seduce you. The problem: it only lasts a while. Then it sends back the impression that you have little interest in yourself.
Finally, he steps forward to back off better.
You no longer know which way to dance. His ambivalence plays tricks on you. Sometimes it’s hot, then suddenly it gets cold. It attracts you, then repels you right after.
Having mood changes and evolving desires is understandable. But strangely (or not), it gives you enough so that you remain attached to it so that it can withdraw without losing you.
In practice, he is interested in only one form of intimacy and avoids another. This means that he can be physically affectionate, but will avoid expressing his emotions and attachment to you. On the contrary, he can opt for a declaration of love and sing you his eternal devotion, but will avoid any physical intimacy.
With him, you constantly lose your balance.
I have subjected my sweetheart to this imbalance for many years. When we both spent “too much” time, I ended up getting annoyed. I was becoming irritable and wanted only one thing: to be alone.
Sometimes I even preferred to go out with my friends who I found much less “headache”.
I was like that and needless to say that with this behavior, my relationship went straight into the wall.
Sign 3: He gradually creates a distance between you
At some point in the relationship, usually at the start, your partner begins to create a form of distance between you.
For him, distance is a habit. An exit door that he does not hesitate to use to avoid discomfort.
You find him very concerned about his work, his cell phone, or anything else, but much less about you.
Your point of view: you are far from its main relationship.
He finds it very difficult to look you in the eye, he takes time to respond to your messages and regularly throws you sentences like ” I’m busy ” or ” I’m tired “.
When you share your feelings with him and tell him about events that are important to you, he just smiles mechanically and nods without real conviction.
The truth: he remains silent . It closes in on itself and withdraws emotionally from the relationship.
This emotional disconnection can result in compulsive behaviors in everyday life, for example: constantly watching television, drinking too much alcohol, watching porn, or even being glued to the screen of your phone.
At the start of my romantic relationship, I did not know how to react to my internal upheavals. I refused to listen to my emotions. I preferred to disconnect and let the situation get worse.
Which inevitably happened.
Sign 4: he ends up disengaging from the relationship
After the disconnection stage, there is generally that of disengagement.
Your partner is trying to ” free himself “.
At this point, he devotes the minimum of resources (time, energy, money) to nurturing your relationship. To mark his disengagement, he no longer takes initiative. It significantly reduces calls, emails, texts, s**x, or even deep conversations with you.
He leaves the beaten track of the relationship and becomes excessively avoidant.
Result of the races: your doubts are confirmed. You go after him and after his other relationships. You have the feeling of being the last wheel of the carriage.
Another clue: he can voluntarily modify his habits and his timetable to decrease the frequency of your moments of connection. For example, plan meetings with other people by replacing your romantic evenings. Without considering catching up with you.
Inevitably, you also notice his low interest on subjects that are important to you. Not only your relationship and your feelings, but also your life, your job, your family, or even your aspirations come to the fore. In any case, it is your feeling.
Sometimes this manifests as an ” oversight ” that keeps repeating itself over time.
During a difficult period in my relationship, I found it extremely difficult to find a real interest in our daily life. I displayed a “false smile” which spoke volumes about my discomfort. I said out loud that my relationship was going well, but deep down I was lying to myself. Inside, I was in desperate need.
Quite simply, because I didn’t know how to handle the ordeals of a life together.
Sign 5: he turns his back on problems (especially yours)
Here, your partner will tend to inform you directly or indirectly that you are too emotional.
According to him, you are ” too sensitive “, ” too serious “, ” too dramatic “, ” too crazy “, too willing to share your feelings and put the deep problems of the relationship on the table.
When you share your unpleasant and difficult feelings, he gives you replicas of the style: ” why make a fuss? “
He refuses to consider your point of view as a valid possibility. Therefore, it does not validate your feelings and it hurts you deeply.
In reality, he is currently unable to do so.
I plead guilty. I was in this dynamic of the “savior” where I sought at all costs to resolve the problems that my sweetheart encountered.
Whenever she was upset, demotivated, or tired, I became her personal trainer. When she asked for my attention and support, I rather offered her an effective solution to resolve her problems.
Basically, I wanted to help him get better. Which never happened.
My inability to validate her emotions and her experience caused her to feel frustrated. She felt misunderstood.
I was wrong all the way.
Sign 6: he refuses to take responsibility
Another habit of an emotionally unavailable partner: he tries to make you wear the hat.
His inability to observe his share of the problem prevents him from taking responsibility during your romantic conflicts.
He refuses to acknowledge his contribution to problems within the relationship. His fears, his emotional fortress and his impenetrable heart prevent him from doing so.
Taking your share of the responsibilities will not change anything. He remains stuck on his default program: the defensive attitude.
Worse: he appoints you responsible for the seriousness of the situation. Certainly because of your emotional sensitivity. In any case, this argument constantly comes up on the table.
Suddenly: you take on yourself and end up believing that you are really responsible for the failure of your relationship. You question yourself, without finding the right answers.
In extreme cases, and despite having lost all interest in the relationship, he will avoid breaking up directly with you. He ‘ll get out of it by using phrases like ” you deserve better than me !” so that you make the decision for yourself.
You know what I mean?
Sign 7: he lies to his entourage and especially to himself
Here, your partner is drowning in lies.
Not only does he curb his love for you , but he also decides not to share certain things that are close to his heart.
The worst part: he refuses to admit it .
Basically, he justifies his lack of honesty with sentences like “I prefer to avoid sharing my doubts with him, because this will worry him for nothing. It’s not a huge problem, so no need to tell him. ”
In reality, he is just afraid of your reaction and of the conflict that could break out if you get angry. This means that he will have to manage a crisis situation without knowing how to deal with it.
Silence wins hands down.
Another common behavior, he shouts to anyone who wants to hear that his life as a couple satisfies him, sometimes he will even go so far as to say that he is happy, when the reality is elsewhere.
The truth: he spends a lot of energy imagining himself in another relationship and regularly allows himself s**xual thoughts in the arms of other partners. The consequence ? Some sometimes take action.
At this point, he rejects the idea of a breakup. He prefers to keep his inner universe secret, so that the situation continues as well and that you do not have the opportunity to flee.
It is clear: he lies to himself, but also to his inner circle. And, you are the main victim of this case.
During the dark period of my relationship, I always refused to admit my desire for elsewhere. I hid my interest in exploring other horizons and ending the relationship. I was too scared, and ill at ease, to admit the truth. I wanted to avoid other unnecessary dramas at all costs.
In reality, the disaster was already underway.
It’s your turn!
Now that you have a robot portrait of the emotionally unavailable partner, what should you do?
This question about the fear of engagement comes up often.
First of all, remember, strange as it may seem, your partner has extenuating circumstances . According to his internal functioning, he is not completely wrong and some are not even aware of the harm they cause.
His childhood and the wounds he carries conditioned your partner to do so. Behind his destructive behavior are hidden unconscious motivations that allow him to stay safe in his comfort zone.
Above all, he seeks to avoid his fears and the pain they represent. No to make you suffer. You too have your share of suffering and deep wounds. You can understand.
This does NOT mean that you must accept it !!! Quite the contrary.
Finally: your partner needs help.
Like me, I needed help.
You are free to accept or not to continue your relationship.
One thing is certain: some people who are afraid of engagement are able to change. With the right approach and the right tools, you can help it open up .
I am the proof.