Fight my fears to find happiness

You came into my life by chance and you came to shake up my peace.

Even though I could say loud and clear that I was ready for it, I didn’t expect you, I didn’t expect to want to believe it and feel my heart beat like this again for someone. one, there, now. I had not planned to fall under your spell.

We don’t always control everything so I agreed to take up the challenge, who will live will see…

I accepted this sweet feeling that grows through our messages, moments spent together …

But… We don’t live in the land of care bears and I know that at our age we all come with our luggage…

The advantage and disadvantage for me is that my luggage is not visible. They don’t have 2 arms, 2 legs like yours….

I am carrying invisible luggage, luggage that I did not choose.

I like to say that we all have our pots but that it is not for the other to do the dishes.

My dishes are done, I took the time to wash each pan, to know how it had made me grow even after I had to clean up the mess of bad cooking.

But I got burned with some of them, sometimes superficially but sometimes the burn was deep and the healing time much longer…

These invisible scars remind me that I am lucky to live, that I had the courage to believe in it, to dare to take the risk, no matter how long the story has lasted, I chose of all live them 100%.

Some of my wounds have turned into fears,  little voices that point the tip of their nose without warning …

I know they are there a lot of times to protect me but some are toxic, invasive, and out of control.

There are these apprehensions, just whispers that my head can easily silence.

Those who need your words to dare to go beyond them.

And then there are those who suddenly make me panic! Those who put my brain out of service, who invade me, suffocate me without me finding a way to stop them, to contain them.

I’m afraid.

Afraid that it won’t work between you and me

Afraid of being lied to and betrayed again

Afraid of cheating on me and making movies on my own

Afraid that I’m here alone to want to invest myself with you

But these fears are contradictory, they also say to me: What if it worked?

What if for once you experience something new, let it be a great story?

May you finally live this beautiful love for which you have always fought?  

Yes, fear does not like novelty: my little voices know and feel on familiar ground …

I find it so stupid to be afraid of happiness, to be so capable of sabotaging stories. But I haven’t found a recipe or magic cream that will totally remove the scars those before you left me.

This fight against my fears is so difficult and tiring on my own.

So difficult for someone who has learned not to disturb others, who has learned to pretend to deal with her fears, the trials of life on her own …

But for those who take the time to scratch the surface will realize that under the shell of the strong, independent and smiling woman hides a terrified little girl, who needs cuddles, that we take her in her arms to tell her that everything will be fine, that she does not need to wait for the night and that it is useless to learn to cry alone and in silence.

Help me … Love me … Reassure me …

I am ready to move mountains if I know that there are two of us rowing in the boat, two to believe that our meeting is not the result of chance.

I don’t want pretty words written on a phone, I want us to paint them big on all the walls of our universe, to bring them to life, to make them burst, to feel them in bottom of our guts…

Tame me gently, extend my hand, give me time to move cm after cm towards you …