Suffering is one of the ideas we most often associate with love. We believe that suffering is inevitable in our relationships, and that suffering is inextricably linked to the depth of love we feel.
So we have learned to love this way, in pain, thus establishing toxic relationships with others.
Of course, love can involve suffering. However, we can also avoid suffering in love …
And it is also necessary to remove suffering from our educational methods.
Since love is a feeling that binds two people who want to share their happiness, there is no reason to suffer.
But why then do we so often associate suffering with love? Quite simply because it is a belief that we internalize because of our culture and our society.
Suffering is considered to be proof of love. This ideology can even come to present a certain sadomasochistic aspect.
“When there is suffering, can it be that there is also love? What then is love? A form of desire as well as a form of pleasure which, if denied to us, generates suffering? It is said that suffering manifested in the form of jealousy, dependence and possessiveness is part of love; this is our conditioning, this is our education. This belief is part of our heritage and our tradition. “
-Krishnamurti-
What does loving without suffering consist of?
As we said before, our culture tends to nurture this belief that the more we suffer, the more we love.
It is, therefore, necessary to go through a re-learning, and to ask ourselves what it means to love for us,
When suffering comes into our romantic relationships, something has gone wrong somewhere.
The personal development, maturity, honesty, and harmony of our companion; just as many factors which, when they are reinforced, at the same time remove the suffering of the relationship.
To love without suffering is to get rid of possessiveness, which generates jealousy and dependence; it is to see the relationship in a fair way, through respect and personal esteem, both towards oneself and towards the other.
When we love in a healthy way, we bond with others without suffering, without being paralyzed by fears that prevent us from losing our individual freedom along the way, without needing to be with a person just so as not to feel alone…
To bond in a healthy way with others is to base the bond that unites us with them on what we share with them, namely our happiness to be by their side.
Move away from possessiveness and dependence
The loving feeling that binds us to our companion should not be tainted by possessiveness and dependence.
To move away from these two practices, it is necessary to demonstrate a great maturity as well as a strong self-esteem.
“Where there is dependence, there is no love, and since we do not know how to love, we fall into dependence… and if there is dependence, there is fear. One cannot free oneself from fear if one does not understand the relationship, and the relationship can only be understood when the mind is observed in all of its relationships: this is the principle of self-knowledge. “
-Krishnamurti-
Let us not forget that addiction and possessiveness are inevitable ingredients of suffering.
It is not possible to be in harmony and at peace with yourself when the fear of losing what you think you have is constantly present.
To love is to appreciate and be grateful
As we have seen, suffering does not have to be in love since it intoxicates the latter and ends up killing him.
We can introduce values like appreciation and recognition into our relationships so that we don’t fall into the addiction trap.
Maintain a relationship of respect and mutual appreciation, share who we are and understand that reciprocity is important, as well as the exchange of positive messages; just as many aspects that distance us from suffering and which establish reasons to feel grateful for the bond that we share with the other and that we have forged with him.
So this is what the love bond consists of: in a relationship in which we can share tastes and interests, a relationship that goes beyond repression and the fear of losing what unites us to the other.
A relationship based on attention, appreciation, recognition and tranquility, just as many qualities that we will take care to develop together in the face of difficulties.
“If you love a flower, do not pick it, for if you do, it will die and cease to be what you love; if you love a flower, let it be. To love is not to possess. To love is to appreciate. “
