I would like everything to go back to how it was before, find all the pieces of me that have disappeared, I would like to no longer have these trust issues that are now anchored in my brain.
I hope I can make you understand why I want to trust you so much, without questioning everything, but that it is impossible.
See, we’ve all been heartbroken at one time or another. In principle, we learn that we do not live in a world of care bears.
Every time I get hurt, I remind myself that it won’t always be like this.
I didn’t want to miss out on the right choice by shutting down, so I made the wrong choice, several times. Each of the injuries reduced my ability to love, but I refused to give up on my dream of having a perfect relationship.
I always held my head up high and each time I opened up, so they could see who I was. It was never enough.
After years of never being good enough, I finally found someone who made me feel like I was good enough. I felt complete in every way. When I was with this person, my insecurities were nonexistent.
I laughed a lot, and I found happiness and I trusted him.
My biggest regret will always be to have trusted this person.
I’ve never had trust issues before so I don’t know how to deal with them. No one had ever broken my trust like this before. I spent every night at home blaming myself.
Why am I not as beautiful as her?
Or as skinny as she?
What does she have that I don’t?
Why am I so naive?
I spent countless hours alone wondering what I could have done differently to make him stay. Again, I was not good enough.
I wish I could convince myself that this is not the case. All of my friends keep promising me that it isn’t me, that the problem is with him and that’s easy to tell. I tell people I believe them, but it’s not. In my head, I’m still in charge.
I know it will never be the same again.
I can no longer have blind trust in someone. So if you tell me you’re going to bed early tonight, I’m sorry if I repeatedly ask you to reassure me.
If you tell me you love me, I’m sorry if I push you away. If you promise me that you won’t be with someone else, I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.
Because he said all of these things too, and after knowing the truth, it’s hard for me to believe them again.
It’s hard for me to trust again.
I want so much to get this innocence back, to believe everything you tell me and not to question it, but to be honest, I will always imagine the worst now.
I’m sorry I left so much damage, I let it get lost in me, I’m sorry I became a person I never wanted to be.
I hope you will understand this.