I have often wondered what the magic ingredients are for a happy and strong relationship.
I have found different answers over the years, but none able to fully answer my question.
Then I came across a group of scientists and psychologists (namely John Bowlby) who did groundbreaking research on babies in the 1960s, which shed a lot of light on how we create attachments in childhood.
But what does this have to do with our relationships with adults?
More recent research over the past 40 years has shown that adult attachment matches what happens at a young age. But here’s the problem: our first desire is a strong bond.
“Well, what do I have to do to start one of them?” “
Several psychologists have done a lot of work in this department and have realized that the key to a secure relationship and lasting love is emotional responsiveness. There are three essential elements for a secure relationship :
I can reach my partner easily, share my deepest feelings with them, and know that I am coming first. Part of the job of being a safe partner includes the availability of our partner.
And, yes, that often includes times when we’re busy and don’t want to be available.
I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or need comfort. I even know when we argue that I’m important. My partner will come closer or let me know I matter when I need him too.
By learning to be a responsive partner, we train ourselves to come back to our special someone all the time, sometimes even when we are incredibly busy, tired, or focused on other activities.
I know we are close even when we are far apart. I can be close and share almost anything with my partner. I know he cares about my joys and my fears.
One of the main ways we can do as a committed partner is to be present. Pay attention to his needs, pay attention to what is going on in his life, and listen to your self.
That’s all. The three elements of a secure relationship are simple.
Choose your partner. Choose someone who chooses you in return.
The reward is a lasting, loving, and secure relationship. Not surprisingly, this translates into our non-romantic relationships as well.