How did the breakup go? Have you sensed it before? How long did the breakup last?
Could you say why did you end up with a break up? How did you personally feel during the breakup?
How did you deal with the breakup? How has it affected other areas of your life? Has it had an impact on your family life?
Or on your professional life? Or even on your relationship life?
What was your role in the breakup? How do you feel about this today?
What emotions do you feel when you think about it now? What was your behavior during the breakup?
Do you have any regrets about the way things turned out? Do you have any regrets about the way the love story was built?
Do you have any regrets towards yourself and your role in the relationship from seduction to the breakup?
What would you like to change in building your relationship with this person? What, on the contrary, shouldn’t you change? Do you blame yourself for something?
What is the general image you have of your experience with this person when you think about it calmly today?
Again, in this flashback, in this reflective flashback, seek help from others. Don’t stay alone. Share your worries with those closest to you. Dare to go see a professional if you can afford it.
Do whatever can help you to (re) put order in the disorder and to push your reflection as well as to deconstruct your experience.
Be as honest and as sincere as possible with yourself. Don’t be afraid to tell yourself or reveal your truth to yourself or to discover it even if it might hurt you a lot at first.
Sometimes the pain is a very good sign. It is the starting point towards a better understanding of yourself on the one hand and towards a beautiful healing which awaits you on the other hand.
Once you have thoroughly (re) delved into your emotions linked to your love affair and your breakup, now would be a good time to tackle the big question that is central to you: ”why the question of whether will my ex be coming back? ”
Why this need to imagine the possible return of your ex?
It is essential to identify the reasons why the question of the possible return of your ex comes to mind. It can appear on an ad hoc basis, rarely, or on the contrary chronically to the point where you think about it all the time, all the time.
Are these regrets that you would have and with which you should absolutely make peace? Do you feel guilty for one reason or another?
Do you miss your ex? In what ways exactly do you miss it?
Are you both still in touch? In what ways are you in contact? What is your relationship like now?
How do you feel in your life without your ex? What were the different stages of your emotional states?
Why would you want him to come back? What is your real wish? Do you feel better alone than in a relationship?
Do you feel lonely and sad? Do you need to fill a void? How have you been feeling since they left?
What were the different phases after the breakup? What exactly happens when you imagine that your ex is going to get back with you?
What is the origin of this thought? Can you identify whether it is a real desire or rather a strategy to overcome a lack?
Would another form of relationship other than a romantic relationship be desirable for you with this same person?
What type of relationship would you really like with your ex? How do you feel about living your relationship other than a romantic relationship?
Is the question of your ex’s possible return accompanied by a fear of abandonment? From fear of social rejection? From a fear of loneliness? Out of fear of suffocation?
How do you rate the strength of love for yourself? Of your esteem? Confidence in yourself?
The question of your ex’s eventual return may have something to do with buried regrets or guilt that you haven’t addressed.
In this case, it is possible, with a lot of will and personal work, with the help of relatives, friends and specialized help, to make peace with yourself.
It is also possible that the question of the possible return of your ex has even deeper origins, which could have to do with your past and with your relationship to yourself and to others.
A kind of hellish dance in which you have always participated without ever being fully aware of it.
In this case, the support of people who love you is essential and above all it should ideally be accompanied by work on your personal development with possibly a specialist such as a psychologist.
Indeed, if you suffer from a lack of self-confidence, a lack of self-esteem, or a fear of loneliness, it is crucial to engage in in-depth work to increase your well-being in order to improve your quality of life and enjoy it fully.
Each of us is unique. I repeat. Each relationship between two individuals is even more unique. It is good to remember these facts which are apparently very obvious but which we forget very quickly and very easily.
In the rest of this article, I share with you my personal experience to illustrate the process that I am trying to describe to you.
My love story was not a love story
I had a love affair that lasted a little over three years. Looking back, I wonder if this is truly a love story just from the perspective of my experience. I wonder if it wasn’t something else, another form of relationship.
We met at a student party that was taking place in the student building I lived in for a university year. I wasn’t motivated to do anything that night but thanks to a really good friend that I wanted to see, I went to that party.
I haven’t flashed on you at all. Besides, it’s your friend who seemed to want to hit on me at the start by dancing a few steps with me. I must say I found your friend attractive. Yet I had absolutely no intention that night.
I felt tired of dealing with men because I had bad experiences just before.
Then you started talking to me and my friend. You were friendly, inclusive and funny. In the end, we traded very little.
The evening suddenly came to a halt due to an incident and you had to leave the place very quickly.
In this panicked situation, you had time to ask me for my phone number. I asked you why do that because I never thought you were interested in me in any form. I ended up giving you my number.
The next day, you wrote me an SMS and that’s how our first exchanges went.
I immediately trusted you. I immediately felt good with you. You gave me all the space.
I wonder now if I wasn’t taking up all the space in our relationship. Maybe I took up all the space. I was so good with you.
I don’t know if I was really in love with you. In a romantic way, I mean. I had a lot of love for you.
Lots of tenderness. I only felt positive things. You are the one who healed me from my bad sentimental experiences.
I am eternally grateful to you. I felt safe with you. I had complete confidence in you. I loved going out with you. I liked that we hold hands all the time. I liked our closeness. I liked your authenticity.
Everything seemed easy with you. I liked your humor. You inspired me a lot. I loved all the moments we spent together without exception.
My romantic relationship with you was my first long relationship and my first healthy romantic relationship.
It was with you that I had my first orgasm during love. You gave me so much love.
I liked the way we managed our time together. At the very beginning, we saw each other on weekends, then gradually we started to see each other once a week in addition to weekends and so on.
Then we lived for several months at a distance. We lived in two different countries but our relationship only grew stronger. When I returned, we lived together for a year.
It was beautiful to live with you. The problem was me. Sometimes I couldn’t stand the mess. Then I started to feel suffocated, sometimes I wanted to live alone even though I was very happy with you.
I even have the impression that I was inventing problems or excuses for arguing. And you stayed calm and you continued to love me. I love you for that.
But a force far greater than me made me feel the suffocation exaggeratedly. It was as if I had to destroy our happiness. As if my goal was to deny our love.
After a year of living together, I went abroad. I was very sad to leave you. But at the same time, it was like a release, which was probably linked to the feeling of suffocation.
You came to visit me twice. The second time, when you left, I didn’t cry. I even felt relieved that you were gone. I blame myself now for feeling that.
So I started to tell myself that it was the end. I hadn’t cried so I don’t have feelings for you anymore. I suggested we open up the relationship. You refused. It was the end of our romantic relationship.
The brutality of the end of our romantic relationship both made me terribly sad but at the same time reassured me. As if that was the only alternative for our relationship.
As if it was normal. As if that was how it should be and not otherwise. It was I who had decided and he accepted my decision.
My love story may not have been a love story. Or rather, our relationship may not have been a romantic relationship.
Maybe she could have been, but my negative feelings and the way I conveyed them took over.
My breakup was a defense mechanism
Today, I manage to make the link between this relationship, this relational breakdown and my past experiences in my childhood.
As a child, no one ever spoke to me about love. No one has ever taught me anything about love. No one taught me to love. No one taught me to love myself.
The example of parental love was poor. As a child, I felt needs, needs for love, needs for attention, needs for sharing, needs that were not met. So I learned to fend for myself. I learned to be independent in love.
But how can I be independent in love if I didn’t love myself?
The only person who gave me all their love and attention passed away when I was very young. This event was a trauma. And to survive this trauma of abandonment, I deployed my own defense mechanisms.
It has become normal for me that people cannot love me, that I confuse love and abuse, that I do not believe in love, that I refuse love, that my relationships with others do not last, that they stop overnight.
It has become normal for me to hold on to people who hurt me, that I don’t recognize love, that I run away from love, that I end love before the other one does. ‘give up because he will abandon me in any case.
What seems obvious to me is in fact a vicious mechanism well anchored in me and which was built in my earliest childhood on strategies that I built with the means at hand in order to fill my deficiencies in love.
Why this need to imagine the possible return of my ex? Or not
Today I can’t imagine coming back with my ex. But the question of the possible return has already surfaced. I have phases in which I felt that I had made a mistake. I regretted the end of our relationship. I certainly felt a lot of guilt.
It is undoubtedly that I did not understand, I hardly knew myself at that time.
The idea of being able to get back together is reassuring even if it is not feasible nor that I want it to come true.
Now I am in another great love affair and am doing the necessary work to properly identify my experience of love.
I don’t want to fall back into patterns of rejection, flight, disappearance, destruction of a romantic relationship.
I want to solidify myself, identify my pains, repair them, make peace with myself so that I can fully experience love. To be able to love myself and love others.
I want to find a serenity to be able to live human relations in all their forms. I don’t want to suffer anymore because of the past.
If you’re wondering if your ex is going to come back, there’s something bigger behind it. You may not have fully digested the breakup.
This is why it is necessary to take a step back and explore your emotions vis-à-vis your love affair and your breakup. This will perhaps allow you to better understand why you are thinking of regaining love.
In my personal experience, I have seen that self-reflection is always extremely beneficial. It allows us to better understand and know each other in order to move forward and build healthier human relationships.
Know each other better in order to love better. This is the credo that inspired this article.
So what exactly is behind the question you are asking yourself about your ex’s possible return?