What to do when the dumper wants to come back? 10 steps

When we end a romantic relationship, we don’t want anything to distract us from our grieving process. 

The truth is that breakups are hard for both of you, and starting over always takes a lot of work. 

But when your ex-partner tries to get back together after leaving you, it’s inevitable that it won’t turn you on, at least a little bit. 

However, there are a number of things you need to know to handle this situation and to remember who you are right now. 

Because the person who is right for you today might not have been right for you in the past and vice versa.

These are the 10 things you need to know about how to deal with your ex when he wants to get back, after leaving you

1) Do not react: everything will be fine

Seeing an ex return can stir up a storm of emotions within you.

In this moment of revolution, it is important that you do everything possible to control your mind and give yourself the space to think things calmly.

The grieving process is a difficult experience, and you may feel angry or sad, or both.

He might still be constantly on your mind, and the affection you felt for him probably hasn’t disappeared.

This is because the breakup of your relationship with him has broken the emotional balance you had before.

If he tells you that he wants to come back, instead of reacting with anger or aggressiveness, you just have to be on your guard.

He has the right to show you if he really is a different person than he was before. He is trying to do what is best for himself and for you.

2) Do a deep scan of your emotions

Sometimes when a person leaves you, you feel like something has broken inside you.

But in others you may not have felt much, maybe you were even relieved that he was the one who made the decision.

So, it is important that you focus on yourself at this time. Be honest with yourself and do a complete review of your emotions.

  • How were you before the breakup with your partner?
  • How did you feel when you heard that he wanted to separate?
  • How did you experience the duel of the relationship? Have you finished it?
  • Do you feel that you are better alone or with him?

Understanding your emotions will be key when deciding whether you should give it a try or not.

3) Don’t make a decision until you feel good about yourself

If he really wants to get back to you, he’ll give you the time you need. Then you must take it.

Work on your self-esteem, start taking care of yourself more, start doing new things.

There is nothing more important than yourself right now.

Many times being in a relationship causes us to neglect ourselves a bit, so this is your chance to rediscover your best version.

Get back that life you enjoyed so much before being with him.

And if once you feel whole and happy, you still want to get back together with him, then you’ll know it’s the right decision.

4) Ask him why he wants to come back

And don’t settle for a simplistic answer like: “Because I love you”

Your emotions are at stake, so you must assert them.

If you are really considering getting back together with your ex, you should first sit down with him and have a deep and honest talk.

Ask him to be honest with you and tell you about the emotions and situations that made him want to separate.

Ask him what has changed that makes him want to go back. That way you can understand if he really still loves you that way.

Does he understand from where he is doing it, do you think he really feels that he was wrong and that they can change things? Or maybe you feel lonely and want to return to what is known and comfortable? I know, it won’t be easy, but you have to have awkward talks to make things work later.

Two things could happen:

  • That you understand your differences, feel that the love between you is greater, and can start working on a new relationship
  • That both realize that they love each other, but it is best to continue their paths separately

5) Analyze the reasons for the separation

Every relationship is made up of 3 parts, you, him, and “the partner”.

So, after you’ve reflected on how you feel and where he’s at, it’s time to review the relationship itself.

The truth is that there was surely a good reason why they finished in the first place.

It is true that he could be the one who took the step, but it is never something unilateral, there are always two involved.

Maybe it was a lack of trust, maybe the relationship stalled, maybe your partner didn’t know what to do. There could be deception or betrayal.

It is always better to delve into the reasons for a breakup before making a decision.

Evaluate if it is something that they can really overcome and transform.

Only if you are sure of it will there be an opportunity for the relationship.

6) Decide if you want to give the relationship a new chance or not

Now, with a clear picture of your emotions, your ex’s, the issues that caused the breakup, and each other’s intentions, you need to decide what you really want to do.

This step serves to make you commit to what you are choosing and you feel responsible and in the power of the situation.

If you choose to return, it implies a commitment on your part and that you will do what is in your hands so that they can reinvent themselves and be happy together.

If you choose to let it go you can’t blame anyone, you know it was the right thing to do at the end of the day.

And if you’re still not sure whether or not you want to get back together with your ex after all, then it’s probably best to just let him go.

7) If you decide to come back: re-invent yourselves

If you have come this far and you feel that the right thing is to be together, then go ahead!

But you can’t expect everything to flow and work perfectly if nothing changes.

Going back and doing the same things will lead to the same result, the end of the relationship.

You must truly commit to creating that ideal relationship for both of you, where you feel comfortable, share, can be yourself, and enjoy.

They need to change and increase their commitment to change. Change is what can give the relationship a new chance.

And a key point here is that if someone felt hurt in the relationship, they have to truly be able to let go of the past. There is no chance of reconciliation when holding grudges.

8) Make sure strong and effective communication is established

There are 2 types of people: those who ignore the need to talk to each other and those who don’t. To be successful, it is necessary to establish a relationship of trust, explain what is happening, notice the problems and look for solutions. And not only now but establish it as a habit within the couple.

If there is no strong communication, there is no relationship, and if there is no relationship, there is no opportunity for reconciliation.

Establishing a relationship of trust and understanding is very important and necessary to be able to be happy together.

9) If you decide to move on, work on yourself

Separating from someone implies a great need to adapt.

You stop having the other to share and do things together and suddenly you find yourself with many empty spaces.

The most important thing, again, is that you reconnect with yourself.

There is no other person who can make you happy more than yourself.

Being alone for a long time has taught me to take ownership of situations, not to blame others for what happens, and to really know myself and what I want. It is a great opportunity.

So instead of wallowing in sadness, begin to see the possibilities in front of you.

  • Were there things you didn’t do and wanted when you were in a relationship?
  • What activities did you not have time for?
  • What foods did you avoid because he didn’t like them?

Grant yourself those wishes that you avoided when you were in a relationship and you will see that nothing is bad by itself in the end. It is you who decides what to do with this reality.

10) No regrets

Whatever decision you make, you must own it and accept it, without regrets, without feelings of guilt.

There are 4 laws of Indian spirituality, which I always refer to when I go through situations like these.

They state:

  1. The person who arrives is the right person. It implies that no one comes by chance, each person who appears in our way has something to show us or teach us.
  2. What happens is the only thing that could have happened. Nothing that happens could have happened otherwise, once you make a decision that is the only possibility. There is no: what would have happened if…
  3. Anytime you start is the right time. Life is perfect and things happen only at the right time, because you are ready or because it is the right time for your own evolution.
  4. When something ends, it ends. There are cycles that begin and end and this instance are when you have already learned what you had to learn. It’s time to move on.

Get back with your ex after he was with someone else

Some say that this is not a good idea unless you are both in the same situation.

But it is a decision that in the end, you must make from your heart. Maybe your ex-boyfriend rushed into another relationship and realized he wasn’t the right person, or he just had a fleeting attraction and it reminded him how much he wanted you.

The important thing here is that you are clear about whether or not you can put behind the fact that he has been with someone else. Really be honest with yourself and know that it’s something that won’t haunt you if you get back together.

On the other hand, if it has been a long time since they broke up, it is likely that both are no longer the same person.

Perhaps the origin of their differences is something that no longer exists in the present and things could change a lot.

It is always a good idea to give things time, get back together, have a coffee, see if they really connect from that intimate level, and trust what your intuition tells you.

Can you be friends with your ex?

We’ve already agreed that breakups are a touchy subject. Each person has a different way of processing things.

The truth is that if a person has been your partner, there were feelings involved.

Love existed and even if things didn’t work out as expected, you can’t help but feel appreciation for that person.

Maybe they got along very well but they were incompatible.

You may have broken up on good terms and you’re wondering, should we still be friends?

As you can imagine, there is no correct answer here. But rather a depends…

You will need to evaluate things like:

  • If they were friends before being a couple
  • How long has it been since they parted
  • If they stayed in touch after the breakup
  • How do you feel when you are in contact with him?
  • What if he has a partner again and you are his friend?

All these points are key when thinking about whether you could be with him in “friend” mode and nothing else.

Personally, I think it is possible to maintain a cordial relationship with your ex, they can be there for each other if they need something and greet each other from time to time.

But the truth is that going from love to friendship is a winding road. It could create confusion and spread the pain if either of you is hopeful. Communication comes into play again, as long as things are discussed and clear, everything can be tried.

And at the same time, there are many cases of ex-partners who meet for coffee from time to time and enjoy their transformed bond.

At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows what is best for you. Do your inner work and the answers will be there. 

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