Why doesn’t he talk to me first? 14 causes (and what to do)

We have all come across in the dating world with one of those guys who is not clear at all. 

When you write to him everything goes well, he always answers. They chat a lot and arrange some outings. You feel that everything is on the right track.

But as soon as you stop writing the communication is cut off. You feel strange because you know that they have very good meetings and you really like him. 

And suddenly you realize that it is always you who sends the first text message.

Frustrating, I know. 

The fact that he has no initiative confuses you and makes you wonder if he is really interested in you. Should you keep writing to him or wait for him to take the initiative? 

You fear that if you don’t write to him, he won’t either.

Maybe you go down the street and something reminds you of him. It makes you want to send him a photo, but you know that he hasn’t shown any signs of life for a long time and you give up. Why can’t you be spontaneous and have to think about every step you take?

The last thing you want is to come across as overly concerned or desperate. 

And it really hurts that you’re the only one who seems to make an effort to get in touch.

Well, as you can imagine, there is no single answer for this situation. There can be many factors that affect your enthusiasm and consequently your communication. 

In this article, we’ll cover all the reasons why he only texts you if you do, and then help you figure out what to do about it.

This way you can evaluate if it is worth continuing to invest your time in this guy or if it is better to move on. 

14 Reasons He Never Texts You First (And What You Can Do About It)

1) He likes you… but you’re not the only one

This guy never writes to you first, but when you see him, you know he likes you. 

So it could be that you are one of several girls he is dating.

This means that he will never prioritize you if you are the one always texting him.

Think of it like this: the girl who always writes to him first is the one he knows he won’t lose.

That girl you haven’t heard from in a week? 

She’s the one he’ll go out of his way to text because she’s the one he’s at risk of losing. 

2) He is really very busy 

Sometimes it’s just the simplest explanation.

You’ve been messing around trying to figure out if he really likes you. 

You keep wondering if his lack of texts is because he’s not interested, and you’ve probably told yourself “he’s busy” a thousand times.

It may be true!

If you work full time or are immersed in a new project, you probably don’t have time to text during the day.

And when he gets home, he just wants to relax…and not spend the afternoon on his phone.

If this is the case with your guy, he almost certainly likes you (after all, if he’s so busy and still finds time to respond to you, that’s a good sign).

But be careful, think about this: If you don’t have time to respond to a text, do you really have time for a relationship? 

You should talk to him about it so you don’t waste your time.

3) He just doesn’t like to text

It’s a total cliché, but in general, boys are not as communicative as girls.

You may love answering messages all day. 

But he may feel that texting is just a functional thing. 

Some guys only text when you have something to plan. The real conversation happens in person.

It may also be that he is a bit of an introvert. If you know him, you will know if that is his case.

Maybe you feel overwhelmed by having to chat all the time and just need more time to yourself than most.

4) He is not sure of his feelings and does not want to cheat on you

If you find that he’s happy to chat when you start a conversation, but he never does, this could be why.

He likes you, but he’s not sure how much.

He knows that if he writes to you, you will think that he is more interested in you than he really is.

If you’re doing this, you probably don’t really know what you want.

Remember that you don’t have to wait to see if he makes a decision.

It’s probably worth it if you stop messaging him. Either he’ll miss you and start texting you, or he’ll move on. At least you will know.

You will surely be interested in our article: Walking away from someone so that they miss you really works.

5) He is playing with you… and he enjoys it

This one is hard to hear.

There are a lot of emotionally immature men out there. They think that you are surely waiting to hear from them and they only write to you when you do because they know that eventually, you will always be the first.

And they love that.

Men like that are in a power game. He knows exactly what he is doing and exactly what is going through your head. 

If you think your boy is one of those, leave him. He doesn’t deserve more of your headspace.

6) You want to hide your enthusiasm

Think about how you felt after a great first date.

When all you wanted to do was text the guy and tell him what a great time you had. You sit on your hands so you don’t do it and don’t look desperate.

Well, this guy could be doing the same thing.

Sometimes, even after they’ve been dating for a while, guys like to keep it cool.

Maybe he’s worried that if he texts you all the time, you’ll quickly lose interest.

It’s not just girls who do these things…boys too. And if she is, she probably likes you a lot.

7) He is very shy (although he does not seem to)

A lot of men are very confident, or at least go to great lengths to make it appear that way.

But it is not always true.

Sometimes even the guys who seem the most confident are really shy deep down. And if he likes you, that shyness will be more and more evident.

It’s much easier for a shy guy to respond to messages someone else has sent than it is to be the one to initiate conversations.

You can talk to him about it. If he knows how you feel, he might relax and improve his attitude.

8) He is being polite

This is really hard to accept, but sometimes a guy just responds because he’s being polite. 

He’s not that interested in you, but he doesn’t have the courage to say it. But that’s why he only writes to you when you do.

He feels it would be rude to ignore you.

It’s as simple as stopping texting him altogether. If he doesn’t contact you, you already know what he really wanted (or what he didn’t want). 

9) You just separated from someone you loved

How is your man’s romantic backpack? 

If you’ve recently been dumped by your long-term partner, you may be heartbroken and want to take a break from dating for a while.

It doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. It just means that he is not ready to start anything new.

There is not much you can do in this situation. Your only option is to wait and give the guy some space.

Eventually, you will get over your heartbreak and be ready to date again.

10) He doesn’t think you like him

Maybe you wonder why he only writes to me when I write to him? But… how many times have you done it? 

If you sent him one or two messages, you can’t jump to conclusions.

And if you’re the type of girl who expects the man to make all the moves and fall for you, you may have unknowingly been a little cold towards him.

Show your interest clearly first before you think he doesn’t like you.

11) He doesn’t like you that much

Though it may be painful to think about it, he may not be attracted to you.

Maybe he asked for your number because he felt like it was what you expected him to do and he didn’t want to be rude.

If he was a little standoffish when you met and acted uninterested while talking to you, then, unfortunately, the signs may be that he’s not interested in you.

This has nothing to do with you. He just isn’t the right person for you.

12) You have commitment issues

Well, you probably didn’t want to hear this, but commitment issues are common for a lot of guys.

Many believe that if they get involved in a relationship, they will automatically lose their freedom.

Maybe he’s young and wants to test the waters before he wants something serious.

They are excited about the “attraction” stage but see the “stable relationship phase” as boring.

Then, after a few weeks, they begin to act distant.

Some men don’t have serious long-term relationships until well into their 30s. In fact, it is more common than you think.

13) He likes to play hard to get

This is a very common reason why some guys only text you when you text them. 

In their head, they think that not making the first move gives them an advantage in the battle of who likes whom more.

Not a bad way to increase your desire and intrigue for him.

But in my opinion, things between a boy and a girl should flow. 

Maybe this man needs to grow up a bit before you decide to go out with him.

14) Does not want to disturb

This is another reason why this guy can write to you only when you do.

Maybe he’s the typical “too nice guy” who doesn’t want to be aggressive or intense.

Or think you’ll like it if it respects your times.

Since he doesn’t want to be annoying, he’ll just wait for you to text him first.

Should you always wait for him to write?

Up to this point, you already have all the possible options to answer the question: Why do you only write to me when I write to you?

Does that mean you should never take the lead?

Not necessarily.

There are times when it’s okay to be the first to text. But there are also other times when it’s much better to wait and let him do something.

So how do you know when it’s the right time to text you first and when it’s time to wait for him to come forward?

1) If you’re partying, never text first

If you’re out partying with your friends, chances are alcohol is involved. And a lot.

Texting drunk is almost guaranteed to say something you end up regretting.

You’ll be the next morning unable to remember what you said or did, afraid to look at your phone for what you might find. That’s not funny at all.

Nothing is so urgent that you can’t wait at least until morning. Leave it for later and have fun with your friends. It’s the best you can do. 

2) If the conversation isn’t flowing, don’t text first

If you’ve noticed that he continually sends you one-word replies or takes a long time to respond to your messages, it’s definitely time to back off.

Or he’s doing this because he’s not that interested, in which case you need to know so you can act on it.

Or he just has too much going on in his life right now to have time for you, which is also something to keep in mind.

In any case, your constant messaging is probably bugging him, and he’s only replying because he feels like he needs to be polite. 

Your text messages won’t make him want to spend time with you.

3) If you want to ask her if she likes you, don’t do it over text.

Or, if you’re mad at him for not writing to you and want to tell him.

Doing this will not attract him. He will drive her further away.

Even if he’s interested in you, and he hasn’t been very good at texting, coming across a text from you angry or upset will make him run. 

He doesn’t even know you well and you’re already asking questions, imagine how he will feel.

4) If he has shown interest and initiative, you can write to him first

Sometimes you feel like you’re the only one doing the texting, but in reality, he hasn’t been as distant as you think. Perhaps you are expecting too much from someone you just met. 

Check the message history. Are there at least some occasions when you make the first move? Even if there aren’t, does he usually respond quickly and enthusiastically when you text him?

If you are having good, genuine, and interesting conversations, he may be shy or very busy.

Or he’s just gotten into a pattern of not texting you because he knows you always text him first.

If you think this is the case, text her first, but do it to set up a meeting. 

See it in person and see if things progress. If he can’t take the time to see you, you already have the answer.

Do guys like it when girls text them first?

We’ve talked a lot in this article about why you shouldn’t burden a guy with thousands of messages if he never initiates conversations. 

But what about the reasons why you should?

The fact is, if a guy really likes you, he’ll love it when you text him first.

It is not bad to do it, you just have to think if it is the right time to send a text message or not. 

You can also think of original messages or send him a photo of something that reminded you of him with a funny comment. 

At the end of the day, the messages are to keep in touch, but not to enter into an existential debate about the meaning of life. 

Writing first can even be a way to weed out guys you really don’t like.

Some guys don’t text because they are deliberately cheating on you. 

Others are not so interested in you. And some of them alternate outings with you and three other girls.

The truth: you don’t want to date any of these guys.

The guys you want to date are the ones who know they love you and are confident enough in their masculinity to get excited about a girl who knows what she wants.

Sometimes these guys might just not text first because they enjoy you making the first move; they respect female power and assume that you love to take the lead.

Here is an article to find out if men find you intimidated. 

The key is not to text endlessly. It’s okay to write to them once in a while first, but again, make it a means to an end.

Send a text message to get together and then see where things go in person.

In other words, text like a guy would. 

Eliminate stress and forget about texting as a means of catching up with him. 

If you want to go out with him, go straight to what you want.

What if you misjudge him and he says no? Then you know it’s time to move on, and there are plenty of people who will be happy to share time with you. 

How to get him to write to you first

As strong and powerful as you feel, there are times when you really just want him to text you first and show his interest.

It is perfectly understandable. And there are things you can do to encourage your guy to make the first move. 

But it’s important to remember this: some men just aren’t going to start texting you like crazy, no matter what tactics you try. 

But if you want to try, here are some of the things you can do.

1) Don’t reply right away

If you get in the habit of writing first, you may also instantly reply to him whenever he speaks to you.

That is never a great idea and will only make him think that you are constantly available.

He won’t value you if he thinks that. Take your time texting him and letting him think about what’s going on. 

I might even write back to you before you do to see if everything is okay. 

2) Make your texts fun

I already advanced something of this point before. 

If he likes to hear from you and your conversations are interesting and valuable, he is much more likely to write to you first.

If you’re always itching to find out what he has to say to the message you just sent him, this will often show in the way you write.

Try to relax as much as you can. Be fun, interesting, and flirty when you write to her.

3) Give him a reason why he wants to write to you

What is in your interaction with him? 

He needs to feel like there’s a reason to text you. 

That reason is that he wants a date and take advantage of you. We are not going to go around in circles.

Assuming that’s what you want, give your text conversations with him a purpose.

Give him hints about meeting up again. Tell him how much fun you had last time. Don’t be afraid to flirt. If he’s getting crumbs from you, he’ll want to follow the trail.

How to make him text you all the time

Does it sound too good to be true? Every time you look at your phone, there is another text message waiting for him. 

You are no longer on the phone all day because you trust that it is on the other side and whenever you need it. You are sure of how he feels about you and you have fluid and fun communication. 

We all dream of this.

Instead of having your cell phone in your hand and desperately wanting your man to be the one to initiate the conversation, you could take action to reverse the situation and make him the one waiting for news from you.

Why should you be the one who always strives? Why should you always be the one to start the conversation each and every time?

Have you ever had the feeling that if you didn’t, they’d go days without talking?

Something definitely needs to change.

And it all comes down to activating your hero instinct.

This revolutionary concept was first used by relationship expert James Bauer in his bestselling dating book His Secret Obsession. He describes the biological drive within a man to provide for the ones he loves and to feel essential and necessary in those relationships.

Once activated, your boyfriend will be the one who texts you every day and you can finally enjoy a healthy and loving relationship. 

It is the best way to attract him and keep him interested.

Not liking someone is more normal than you think

I want to dedicate a final section to this idea. 

I want you to think about all those times that you have not liked a boy. You know there are many. 

Maybe there was nothing wrong with him, you just didn’t feel the attraction. Maybe he did all the right things, he was attentive, he invited you to dinner. But there was no way you could see him as a possible lover. Come on, you even found him handsome, but there was no point. 

The truth is that finding a person similar to us implies many things that we are not even aware of.

So if you’ve met a guy you liked but he doesn’t feel the same way, I have something to tell you. 

It’s fine. 

There is nothing wrong with you. 

There’s just something about him that feels like they’re not compatible as a couple. 

I think it’s a great exercise for all of us to learn to stop being afraid of being vulnerable. And above all stop seeing rejection as something horrifying and humiliating. 

When someone doesn’t choose you, they are authentically showing you who they are. What he wants and doesn’t want. And if your interest in that person is not reciprocated, it simply means that he is not the right guy for you, it is just that he has realized it before you. 

And hand in hand with this, you should also feel calm when you have to say no to a boy you are not interested in. 

Life is full of many interesting people, you never know who you will meet around the corner. 

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