“If you have not found it, keep looking. Don’t settle.
As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it.
And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years go by.” – Steve Jobs
Are you in a relationship where you suspect you are settling for less than great love?
Well, it’s been exactly nine years since Lori Gottlieb published Marrying Him: The Case to Settle for ” Mr. Good enough” – the book that created a storm of controversy about finally settling down with a partner and starting a family.
So I thought maybe it was time to revisit the topic, but maybe from a different perspective.
This perspective is self-inquiry through journaling.
Settling In Or Designing?
It is often difficult to accept someone who really wants to be in a club where we are the only other member.
If a guy likes us, we tend to get on stage, put on a show of judgment, and tear him up with a lot of criticism.
You may be wondering: is this man good enough, or am I settling down and settling for less?
Could I be doing much better in the love department?
Remember, just like you, every individual has their ugly bits, pimples, and wrinkles, literally and figuratively.
And when you are fighting with him and you feel let down, you will naturally feel ambivalent.
Even in great relationships, there are times when one partner sees the other as insufficient.
So it’s important, to be honest with yourself about whether a pattern I call “not perfect, I’ll let it go” really fits you and is one of your dating patterns.
In this pattern, you magnify any negative traits the subject has and minimize the positive ones.
In my years of clinical experience and that of my coaching team, this is often a projection of her own negative unconscious beliefs about herself, about not being good enough.
When we have self-judgments that we are not aware of, where we feel “inferior”, we can function as super-critical self-servers who tend to see their partners in a more negative and demanding way.
If this is your relationship tendency, you need to work harder to appreciate each of your boyfriends and learn to relate and bring out the best side of him (his most loving, kind, and powerful identity) by being the best person you can be. to be.
This supercritical gold digger, in most cases, doesn’t attract a really loving guy.
So make sure you work on getting rid of your perfectionism and arrogance.
I’ve seen too many stubborn women cling to this pattern like it’s a life vest and end up in a bitter sea of loneliness.
On the other hand, if a relationship is taking a lot of work, it may be time to cut ties and move on.
Research on women who choose to be single has revealed many important findings.
For example, several studies have shown that single women can be just as happy and fulfilled as their happily married friends.
If a single woman has a strong and loving social support system, having a romantic partner is not necessary for her well-being.
But if you’re the type who wants a long-term love relationship with a great partner, read on.
12 Questions to Ask Yourself
You don’t want to choose a man out of sheer desperation and commit to a relationship where you’re afraid you’re just settling down.
To help you decide, I’ve put together a list of 12 questions I want you to ask yourself about your partner:
- Am I superior to this man?
- Do I feel smarter or smarter than him?
- Am I more talented?
- Is there a complete lack of chemistry with him?
- Does it fit in my social network?
- Do I have more educational background than he?
- Is he very unsuccessful (failed)?
- Is he too old for me?
- Is he too young for me?
- Is he very unattractive?
- Is he too short?
He is very boring?
Take the Time to Record Your Answers in the Journal
Now that you’ve answered the questions, ask yourself this: Are any of the questions part of the background conversation you have with yourself or actual conversations with your closest friends?
Disregard questions that don’t elicit a ‘yes’ feeling, as well as questions that aren’t often discussed internally or with your friends.
If you have a “yes” answer or a lingering question in any of these areas, take the time to record your thoughts and feelings in that area.
List all negatives.
Then list any rebuttals of positive ideas that come up.
End with a list of qualities your partner possesses that show he is more than willing to grow.
Yes, I know, he is very short and cannot grow anymore.
Seriously, don’t let something superficial like this, and I mean very superficial, stop you from being with a great person.
In my vast clinical experience, love almost always comes in a surprise package.
And, as Steve Jobs said, it gets better and better with time!
Conclusion
Feeling like you’re settling in may have more to do with your own insecurities than what you think about your potential partner.
Take a good look: at yourself and at him.
This relationship could become your biggest love story.