I want to cry, cry! But I won’t do it … I have to stay strong

No it’s not ok.

I have just passed in one moment from one of these moments when you are simply happy, a simple and sufficient happiness in an almost depressed state.

I feel sick to my heart, a lump in my throat and want to cry.

It’s stupid, not even 5 minutes ago I was smiling and there I just want to curl up to disappear.

There is no one with me and I cannot go and confide in my parents, it has been too long since I no longer trust them.

And I want to cry, to cry!

But I will not do it because I have promised myself that I will never cry again, that I have no right to do so.

And then, I forgot how we cry…

I would like to let go but I don’t have the right to do it anymore because I promised myself to stay strong.

So I pretend to be fine joking with friends and sighing in relief that we are all behind a screen.

I feel like I can’t speak so much the lump in my throat squeezes me. In fact, I’m just immensely sad.

Sad to pathetic.

I don’t want to cry when that is what could free me but I am too ashamed of my tears.

I plunge back into these torments that have followed me since I was little.

These scents of the past lie in wait for me and fall on me in order to make me fall again. Except that I don’t fall anymore since I have to stay strong.

And this is perhaps the worst part, the fact that I refuse to let go because I am simply afraid “after”.

There is no one next to me to see everything behind my mask and to hug me.

No, I am still and always alone.

I’m getting used to it and then these demons prefer to attack when we are in a weak position.

In the end, there is only a great feeling of emptiness left because, in any case, all that will never go away.

I feel exhausted from a mental struggle that has gone on far too long.

And to forget all that, I read nonsense to try to distract myself but it is useless.

I could read anything, as soon as I stop they are there and jump on me.

I don’t want to fall back, I want to be strong but in the end I’m just a poor kid stuck in the past. A pathetic little girl unable to grow or take a step forward. 

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