The fear of loving: the impossible happiness

I love you. I love you so much that it is painful, burning, ardent.

A new tear is present deep in my heart not to feel your presence. And to think that before, before you, it was me who was called heartless, a torturer of hearts.

Today, I am touched, I am affected, I cannot tell you, I dare not, but I love you.

 

I’ve fallen in love with you twice already.

  • The first time, two months ago, when I saw you get out of your car. I laid my eyes on you and I knew. I knew something was going to happen. You were so tall, so handsome… and no, however, you don’t meet the criteria of beauty properly speaking, all these muscular and photoshoped men do not look like you at all, and at the same time, they don’t hit your ankle. But this first love was in fact a first stir … an intuition, a sensation.
  • The second time was yesterday. I fell in love not yet with you all, but with your eyes, your hands, your arms, your hair. I fell head over heels when I saw you come towards me, a pink shirt completely open over your chest, tall, strong and imposing. I looked at you and like a garment that is torn violently, my heart was torn, my chest exploded.

And I felt this liquid flow in me, my heart was emptying, the fence gave way, all of a sudden, everything shattered inside me, the wound reopened. I thought I was armored, stilted, I realize today that I am not at all anymore, and I just want to yell my love at you.

I couldn’t take my eyes off you, at the same time that my heart was bleeding. I felt this hot liquid flow in my chest, my breath cut, I watched you move towards me.

And there, I fight … My heart is yawning, it’s over with me, I capitulate.

 

It has to come out, I find it so beautiful, so big … You are there, very close. I don’t even know if we’re kissing or not.

And now, instead of telling you that you are beautiful with that pink shirt, my face closes. I am pissed off, pissed off at myself to react coldly. I hear myself blaming you because I’m scared, scared, and in pain that my heart is gaping again.

I’m at your mercy … What are you going to do with me? Trample on me? Degrade me?

I am so afraid that I lose my means, tears start to flow, you do not understand my reaction and for good reason. Shouldn’t I smile? I ask you to be you and when you are you with your flaws, I blame you for it.

But I’m so afraid that you are playing with me …

 

You take me for an idiot.

That you see my weakness, that you catch my heart, that you take it over, that you serve it so hard that you crush it, squeeze it to take out all its juice, and finally let it go, drop it and fall on the side of the road without even looking back…

And I’m especially afraid of being able to let you go.

So I hide, I hide my feelings.

 

I focus on the negative, on everything that irritates me about you, I send it to you in the face to repel you, to leave you far from me, so that you cannot abuse my fragile heart.

And I hurt you. What I don’t want you to do to me, I’m doing it to you.

I feel so bad and guilty for doing this to you. I entered a vicious circle… but why?

I express myself badly, so badly that it becomes oppressive. Shouldn’t I be quiet a little? Shut up and silence this fear that resurfaces rather than wanting to silence you?

I have to get away from you physically. Your presence becomes unbearable to me, as much as your absence is stinging.

After an evening governed by words that hurt, once at home, I cry.

 

I cry for long hours.

My heart is still bleeding and emptying.

My tears are running down my cheeks, my heart is running inside.

I feel so dirty sometimes at not being able or able to simply express love.

But I think back to that sentence: “Every time you cry, you wash something. “

I am tired, to see exhausted from having emptied myself, freed from all this. I have to go to bed, rest. I’m sending you a message, the lump in your stomach. You just answer me, I think you don’t blame me.

And the wait returns. What are we going to do with this love?

 

What are we going to do with our two gaping hearts? The wait…. This thing so distressing and at the same time so saving …

“Time solves all evils”

“Patience and length of time”

“Patience is the mother of safety”

These sentences are looping in my head.

And my eyes finally close …

Tomorrow is another day, and tomorrow everything will be possible.

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