A friend of mine is in a relationship with a man who has told her the most reassuring and heartwarming thing you can say to the one you love.
It wasn’t, “I love you. “
It wasn’t, “You are the most beautiful woman (or handsome man) I know.” “
It wasn’t, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.” “
This sentence showed that he knew something essential about relationships. It showed he wanted to be with her in any way he could.
Here is what he said:
“I want to live the good times and the bad with you. “
In a few words, he showed that he understands what it takes to be in a relationship between two mature adults. It shows that he is aware that everything is not always rosy in a relationship and that there will be dark parts too.
And he wants to go through it all with her.
It is like saying: “We are going to live this great adventure together. There will be uplifting, exciting, and exquisite parts. And there will be difficult and dark parts. But I want to do everything with you. “
To be honest, I think the majority of people don’t understand what it takes to have a healthy relationship. Often times, as soon as the relationship starts to get complicated, people feel like something is wrong.
But often there is no problem. It’s the dark, hidden parts that start to show up, and it’s uncomfortable.
We live in a culture where we are mistakenly made to believe that relationships are supposed to be easy.
So when you enter into a relationship, when you go through the honeymoon phase happily, you think that something is wrong when there is conflict.
You think you married the wrong person.
You think the relationship is doomed.
You think if you were with the right person it would be easy.
And, of course, it’s sometimes true that the relationship is toxic. If you haven’t done any work on your personal growth then you might not be with the right person for you, which means that they are actively abusing, whether physically, emotionally, or otherwise.
I went through this for a while. I chose a man who did not express his emotions and I hurt myself until I fell into depression. It wasn’t his fault. I have unconsciously chosen him among many men to reproduce a toxic pattern of my childhood that is both scary and familiar.
Fortunately, I managed to get out of this situation through therapy.
Here’s what I’m trying to say:
I have several friends in healthy, mindful relationships in my life. And I noticed a trend in their relationships. They all have at least one source of outside support for their relationship.
All the couples I know who are in a healthy relationship have a source of support that helps them learn to do things, like communicating or solving their attachment issues for example.
As a friend of mine says, “Every couple needs a team. “
Because when your partner triggers you – your wounds are attachment-related, when you are plagued with rage, grief, or shame brought on by rejection or whatever pattern is happening to you, you are not. more aware.
It’s not that you don’t want to be aware; it’s just that you can’t be.
You need help.
I want my partner to be able to understand this. I want an open man for us to do attachment therapy at some point so that we can learn how to soothe each other’s nervous systems (and ours) when we’re in the middle of a crisis.
Healthy couples do essential work. They restructure the quantum field, heal the family trauma of past centuries, and pave the way for the emergence of a new version of humanity.
A harmonious version of humanity.
I believe that a romantic relationship is one of the most intense and difficult playgrounds, and one of the most spiritually transforming – both individually and collectively.