Choosing our partner does not necessarily happen at the time of the “big day”, it does not happen when everyone is watching. It happens in ordinary times in life – in the middle of the night, when a crying baby wakes up an already tired couple, and a partner says, “Fall asleep.
I go. This happens in the heat of an argument, where everything in us tells us to win and fight, but instead, we say, “I see you are hurt.” Please help me understand. “
This kind of choice is essential to forming a healthy relationship, which consists of something as simple as a brewed cup of coffee or a stack of clean dishes. It engages with us when we see our partner stretch beyond their own comfort zone to communicate with us. Too often, the little moments in a relationship can be seen as trivial or unimportant. But it is precisely these “little” moments that carry the biggest message of I choose you, I love you, I choose you.
The stakes in intimate relationships are high and the risks numerous.
Love can be scary – flirting with the possibility of heartbreak at every turn – it can seem dangerous.
We all share the same fear: Will you be there if I need you?
Knowing that we are chosen provides shelter in a perilous situation. If we are able to cultivate the practice of actively choosing our partner consistently, trust can be formed and pave the way for a deep connection. This is what some researchers have come to call “ positive sacrifice,” the deliberate practice of choosing to act in the best interests of the relationship over immediate self-interest.
Pierre, a lawyer from Paris, admitted that he would have been more inclined to move in with Sarah, his girlfriend of four years, if she had been more willing to change her busy schedule to fit her constantly changing schedule. evolution.
He knows his schedule is difficult to manage, which is a big part of why his relationships haven’t lasted in the past. To ensure that his relationship with Sarah does not suffer the same fate, Peter started a campaign to choose Sarah. Faced with growing pressure from work to save time, Pierre did the opposite: he started limiting his weekends and leaving work early to join Sarah.
But when Sarah didn’t do the same, Pierre felt abandoned and alone. Although Sarah insisted that she wanted to be invested in the relationship, she focused her attention on her work and her time with her friends. He hesitated between trying to accept his place in Sarah’s life and feeling like he needed more. In the end, Sarah’s inability to put her relationship first made the decision for him.
Even though the fear of losing her might have forced him to accept a less than satisfactory relationship, he ended up deciding that he wanted and deserved more from his partner. He felt like she wasn’t as dedicated as he was in the relationship.
The inequality between Peter and Sarah’s dedication to the relationship left him exposed and uncertain of his value to her. He didn’t feel chosen in the relationship.
Actively choosing your partner at ordinary times of the day sends the message that we can be trusted.
The trust in relationships is defined more widely than the promise of fidelity. Trust is defined as the expectation that our partner will behave in a benevolent manner and consistently meet our needs. Confidence building comes from choosing our partner or from the feeling of being chosen by our partner every day.
It is not only a question of making these positive sacrifices in a robotic way, but of wanting to make these positive sacrifices: these actions indicate a level of psychological investment, moves the energy and material in the relationship. When these investments are made, we get the message that our partner intends to stay with us, and therefore it is prudent to invest in these investments as well. Trust and vulnerability allow us to be truly intimate, but the path to this deep intimacy lies in choosing our partner in the daily and routine moments of our life.
Unfortunately for Peter, he did not understand the importance of positive sacrifice.
Relationships end every day because of this.
Every day, we have the opportunity to ask ourselves: Do I choose my partner?
The answer is clear and simple: choose each other, every day and at all times. True love doesn’t have to exist in a fictional realm of romantic comedy, poetry, or romantic ballads. Our ability to connect is within us.
